Sweetie, happy...
4-month anniversary.
You are so amazing. You know what's so great?
Most guys, when they give their girlfriends gifts,
give beer of the month club, baseball tickets, something they want.
That's a gift certificate.
To where?
Thong world.
Do I have to be here?
James, yes.
Since you're the only one who knows about us, I like having you around.
You are part of this relationship.
Absolutely, James. Can you help me take my pants off?
I'm done being your third wheel, ok?
It's gotten to the point where I'm not even in my own sexual fantasies.
It's always you two.
Do you have any idea how disturbing that is?
Yeah.
I can't handle it anymore. The secret is too much.
Don't think you're gonna go tell anybody we're sleeping together.
You guys are sleeping together?
Wow! I guess that means you're getting married!
No way.
Maybe.
Can't believe they called off
our softball game last night.
Yeah, that's a shame.
Hey, nice game last night, everybody.
Carter, clutch hit in the 7th.
It s-sounds like there was a game last night.
No, you know, as a matter of fact,
they canceled the rest of the season.
Everybody else, our book club meets tonight at 7:00.
On field 3.
Uh, Mike, per your request, I've set up a meet-and-greet
with all the community leaders from the third district.
What's wrong with the third?
It's our most diverse neighborhood.
Each group feels the administration's forgotten their needs.
Which are...
You know, I had 'em written down here somewhere.
Now, Mike, I can't make these meetings.
I have to present my summer camp proposal for inner-city kids.
No problem. Stuart, you be Carter today.
You mean pompous, bald, and horny for guys?
I am not pompous!
Hey, what's new, James?
I don't know what's new.
Why... why would I know what's new?
What am I, king of the new things?
For the love of God, woman, would you get off my back?
(LECHEROUSLY) So, janelle...
Datin' the mayor.
Don't go there.
Hello, janelle.
Take off your clothes.
(WHISTLING)
You know, I was just jokin'.
Oh, yeah.
(WHISPERS)
Stuart, all next week, I need you to come in at 6 a.m.
Why?
Why, janelle? Because.
Good enough for me.
Whoo! Can you believe her?
Women, huh?
Make it 5:30.
Ok, sir. I wanted you to know I'll be handling
meet-and-greets with ethnic communities from the third district.
This is delicate stuff. Why isn't Carter handling this?
Sir, when it comes to the needs of our minority constituents,
I'm incredibly sensitive.
Besides, fruitcake's busy.
I want you to impress me on this one, bondek.
All right, bring 'em all on...
the lutherans, the episcopalians...
Heck, I'll even sit down with a methodist!
Actually, sir, we're pretty solid with the white and...
The really white.
I was referring to Italians, Jews, puerto ricans.
Ah! The non-golfers.
Mike, my body isn't equipped for keeping secrets.
Look at my arms and neck. I'm totally breaking out!
You can't tell.
Really? It's not that bad?
Oh, you mean the rash? No, the rash is hideous.
I mean the secret. You can't tell.
You can't tell anyone, not now, not ever. I'm sorry.
Ok?
Sorry.
Hey, Mike.
Hey, sir.
Excited about that interview today?
It's just another magazine article. It's no big deal.
Really? There haven't been that many
since that whole "political wonder boy" thing wore off.
What do you mean, "wore off"? It's not like I'm some old man.
Oy! Ah...
What's the matter, Mike?
Softball. Pulled my ass.
So after I finished running senator field's campaign,
I became the deputy mayor.
That's quite a list of accomplishments
for someone who's only 32 years old.
31 1/2, actually.
But what does age matter?
Change it.
Mike, can you help me? None of these numbers seem to add up.
Ah, here we go. Try shifting these numbers over into this column here,
re-add, and move the whole total over into the next fiscal quarter.
So, Mr. Flaherty, all these people here work for you?
Work with me, Audrey. With me.
And, yes.
Mike, the council didn't allot enough money
to cover my summer camp program.
Try working other angles. Get the community involved.
When I was a kid, we had bake sales.
Mike, we're short over 1.5 million.
All right. Brownies are a quarter
and cupcakes are 130 grand.
Mr. fuscini, the mayor is committed
to the needs of the Italian community in your neighborhood!
What about that unsightly construction
in our business district?
We found... That when we get into these types of situations,
we tend to make things worse, so...
We've decided on a more... Hands-off approach.
So you're gonna do nothin'.
I hope it doesn't go unnoticed.
Good-bye, Mr. bondek!
Oh, please wait.
Hey, Mario fuscini! Oh, my God!
Little Stacey paterno!
Oh!
Well, it's nice to see the mayor has someone with brains workin' here.
Es stunad.
Stunad!
What'd he say?
Stunad.
It's Stuart in Italian.
Oh. I was gonna order some pizza. You guys want some?
Sure, why not?
So tell me, Stacey.
What's with this mayor? He's a good man?
Yeah. We need a couple of pizzas at city hall.
The name is bondek. Stunad bondek.
Ok, let me see.
One word that best describes me.
Well, I'd have to say "decisive."
No, scratch that.
Sorry, Mike.
Am I late for the meeting on my summer camp proposal?
No, you're in the middle of my interview.
Now I remember you. You're Carter Heywood, the gay rights activist.
You went on that 11-day hunger strike for same-sex marriages.
Yeah! Yeah, it was, uh... Particularly difficult for me,
because I had just come off a 100-mile aids walk.
I had to be hospitalized.
You know, I once spent a whole day
in a city council meeting.
If you've got a moment,
I'd like to talk to you about my summer camp.
I'm sure she will, Carter,
the next time she's doing a hard-hitting expose on lanyards and bed-wetting.
When I finish here, I'll gladly give you a couple of minutes.
Thanks.
Wow.
He is a really fascinating guy.
Oh, yeah, yeah, well...
So what are you working on right now?
I will be, uh, redrafting
a previously drafted referendum
to justify the allocation of funds to repair a block of parking meters.
Which I broke.
Mm...
See, I was driving a bus...
And I couldn't go under 55 Miles per hour...
Or the whole bus would explode.
Stop me if you've heard this.
Stacey!
Rabbi judson is gonna be here any second.
I need you to do the same song and dance you did with the Italian guy.
It wasn't a song and dance. I am Italian.
I'll give ya 100 bucks.
Shalom!
Rabbi, this is Stacey paterno...
...witz.
You are adorable!
You know, I have a nephew who's a doctor.
Are you single?
Am I single? What, with the putzes around here? Pfft!
Get yourself a cup of coffee,
then we'll kibitz.
Oy! I'm svitzin' like a khazzah.
It ends here.
Hola, senor Ramirez.
Es un placer.
Oh, likewise!
But your friend here es un imbecil.
Oh...
Uh... What does imbecil mean?
It means "ambassador."
Imbecil stunad.
Yeah.
Yeah, baby!
James, you ok?
Do I look ok?
Oh, my God, James!
What?
I think I see a small patch of skin on your rash.
Aw, sweetie, it's not that bad.
James touched that bagel.
Hey! They sent over an advance copy of the magazine.
You guys as nervous as I am?
I'm a little worried about the cover shot.
I wanted to go for a bogart in Casablanca kinda thing.
Well, how do I look?
Like shaft.
In shaft.
"Carter Heywood strides down the corridors of city hall
with a walk that says, I'm the man."
Ha ha.
Does my walk say that?
I'm the man. Who's the man?
You the man!
I'm the man.
All right. So Carter got his picture in the paper.
Mike... Are you a little jealous?
All right, fine. Go back to work, ok? Meeting adjourned.
This is like the other night at karaoke,
when you ripped the microphone outta my hand.
Mike, you sang 35 consecutive songs.
You love abba.
Do you really think I asked to be in the spotlight?
A 4-hour dinner. You couldn't mention me just once?
That is not true. Look.
There you go.
"And then I was hired...
By Mike flaherby."
I'm almost positive I said "Flaherty."
I'm pissed, but it still goes in the scrapbook.
The only reason I did this was to raise awareness for my summer camp program.
(WHINING) Your precious summer camp program!
I'm sorry, ok?
But you are still the deputy mayor.
Oh, I thank you. Thank you for that.
Yes, indeedy. Thank you very much, Carter.
Hey, Stacey, cancel the movers,
because Carter's gonna allow me to continue being deputy mayor!
You know what? Nothing in this article changes who you are around here.
Did you see the epa's proposal to reduce our subsidies? How can we stop them?
I thought I'd call...
actually, I was talking to Carter.
Flaherby.
The mayor was so impressed with my work on district three,
he called me to the mansion to reward me.
But I did everything.
When this door opens, I'm gonna be taking a lot of credit for things,
so try not to get in the way.
Stacey! Stuart.
I've gathered together the representatives
from the third district for lunch.
I thought it'd be nice to have you here.
It's all you, babe.
Michael.
Carter.
I, uh... Think we can agree
not to get too competitive over this.
I agree totally.
I'm bigger than that.
As am I.
Good.
Yes! Yes!
Shh, shh, shh. It's double jeopardy.
Mike, this competition is ridiculous.
It... it's over, ok? Whaddaya say?
Who's John maynard keynes?
(DING)
WOMAN: Who is John maynard keynes?
Who is John maynard keynes?
Who is Bob fosse?
(DING)
WOMAN: Who is Bob fosse?
WOMAN: I'll take famous African-American homosexuals for...
I woulda gotten that!
It's probably "who is ru Paul?"
Who is ru Paul?
Stacey, como esta?
Stuart, help. I haven't prepared any more Spanish.
Just wing it!
Hola.
Ah...
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
De nada.
Uh-huh.
Yo tengo vestido rojo.
Es muy bonita.
Say something!
Yo quiero taco bell.
So, miss paternowitz.
(SPEAKING YIDDISH)
So, uh, do you have plans for Friday night?
Ha ha ha ha!
What?
That's a good one.
You see, it's funny because rabbis can't date.
Actually, we can.
I did not know that.
I thought you might like to come to our synagogue.
I'm sorry, rabbi judson,
but Friday night I have plans to go to this club, and...
on the sabbath?
The sabbath.
No. Right.
The day of not going to clubs.
I thought you were puerto rican!
She's Italian!
She's a Jew!
Mr. mayor, what is going on here?
Sir, Stacey here has obviously misrepresented herself.
I'm leaving.
No, no, no, people, people, people,
don't you see what this means?
Uh... Before now, you felt alienated from this administration.
And then you met Stacey, and you felt you had a friend here.
We don't need people who look like you to represent you.
No... We transcend
ethnic boundaries.
So what you're saying is you did this on purpose
to make a point.
Sure. Let's go with that.
Now, let's all go into the dining room
and, uh, sit down for a meal as a community!
Wonderful!
Great work, sir. It looks like you and I really pulled this one off.
Stuart, next week, 4 a.m.
Nikki, I can't take it anymore. You have to let me tell.
I don't even wanna keep this a secret. Talk to Mike.
Everyone's scared of me.
This morning on the subway, I had my own car.
Well, that's just lucky.
It was rush hour.
Nik, can I see you in here for a minute?
Look at it this way, James.
Can't get any worse.
Why is Mike always asking Nikki into his office
for secret meetings, huh, James?
James?
Oh, I get it. See, yesterday, I got you a present
that was really for me,
so today you got me a present that was really for you.
Well, they're beautiful flowers,
and I love them, and you know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna have my picture taken with them
so you can look at it whenever you're lonely.
Mike...
And I suggest you do the same thing...
W-with your new thong.
I didn't get you these flowers.
Ok, but I'd still like the picture.
They're from Carter.
"Sorry if I stole your thunder.
You've always been a friend to me, and that's really all that matters."
Oh, no.
I had Carter handle that press conference on prostitution.
So what?
I might have told him it was...
Library awareness.
You walk by them all the time...
And you never even notice them.
I'm here to tell you
use them.
Take advantage of them.
Remember...
You're never too old to learn.
Mr. Heywood, what are you saying?
That you've been to one?
Ha ha. Are you kidding? I was in one this morning.
And I was having such a good time,
I found it hard to keep quiet.
Ok, that's it. Uh, Paul?
Paul will handle any further questions.
Oh, no, Mike, please.
Is something wrong?
Not at all. In fact, I just wanted to, uh,
thank you for the beautiful flowers.
I mean, the very heterosexual flowers
that you gave me as a token of your manly...
overcompensating.
Got it.
Mike, I gotta admit,
I, uh...
I really liked having the spotlight.
Carter, let me tell you something.
Ever since I was a little kid,
I wanted to be the smartest person in the room, and I was.
Then I met you, you pushed me, and I'm happy,
even though it made me feel frightened and insecure.
But I never lost respect for you. That's it.
Mike, could you say all that again? I didn't catch all that.
Of course you didn't. I'm a bit quicker than you.
I know you were mad, so, uh...
I want to thank you for not getting petty.
I like to think I'm above that kind of behavior.
Uh, no, sir.
No, you cannot use your library card to check out a prostitute.
Although it's not a bad idea.
James, you look so bad, it's almost stopped being funny.
Hey, is that Stuart?
Nah, it's still funny.
Ok, everybody, we still got a lotta work to do.
Nikki, would you mind running fund-raising projections for next month?
No problem. You want 'em on disk or hard copy?
How about humping naked on the floor
so everyone can see you've been secretly dating Mike for months?
God, that felt good!
Look, this is our personal life.
This has nothing to do with work, so...
We're expecting you all to behave maturely
so it's not uncomfortable around the office.
Yeah. Sure, Mike. Of course, Mike.
Ok, I gotta go deal with a problem with jurisdiction.
You know, I'm trying to look at that proposal
on offshore drilling.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Offshore drilling.
Sounds like he's taking you on a boat trip.
(LAUGHING STOPS)
Nikki, I just wanted to say you were right.
We never should have kept this a secret.
(DOOR CLOSES)
You saucy girl!
Whoo hoo! Hoo!
MAN: Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.
(BARKING)
Moo.